Persephone's Dilemma
by misha2
Summary: In the life of any powerful magician, there will be challenges and loss. How will Sakura face hers?


Persephone's Dilemma  
a work of Card Captor Sakura fanfiction  
by Michelle Thatcher  
  
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Card Captor Sakura belongs to the ladies of CLAMP. I am using   
these characters and situations without the permission of their   
owners.   
  
This story contains SPOILERS for the entire manga series. You  
have been warned.  
  
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Turning. The leaves were turning. Yellow, red, orange. And   
soon it would snow and soon it would thaw and soon it would be   
Summer again. Soon. Too soon.   
  
Professor Kinomoto Sakura had nothing against the turning of   
the seasons, per se. It was just that on this particular   
autumn day she was feeling the passage of the years more   
keenly than she usually did. And on the long walk from work   
to the house, she'd have plenty of time for needed meditation.   
  
It was sometimes like this in the fall. There were years when   
she just couldn't watch so many things die without a surge of   
melancholy longing for the loved ones that time and the perils   
of mortality had taken from her. Friends, lovers, ... family.   
You didn't get to be the most powerful magician on the Eastern   
Hemisphere without developing a healthy respect for the cycles   
of natural life. That, however, didn't stop it from hurting   
when your best friend since first grade looks up at you   
through her ever thicker lenses and gives you that same smile   
of absolute adoration that's warmed you your entire life while   
your internal sense of the workings of fate tells you that her   
heart will give out in less than a month. It doesn't stop the   
sense of longing you have to gently seize her hand, to feel   
the wrinkled skin against yours, still as smooth as it was   
seventy years ago and will the life back into her   
deteriorating body.   
  
But magic doesn't work that way. It doesn't keep time from   
passing. At least not for long. It can protect those around   
you from fire and famine and flood, but not from fate. And   
not from the frailties of humanity. One by one, they fell.   
  
And now her father's time was coming. Not after taking a   
stand against the darkness like her beautiful Syaoran or after   
a sudden and peaceful fall like Tomoyo-chan or a lingering   
illness like onii-chan, but by his own choice.   
  
He'd come to visit her at work bringing the home-made sweet   
bean treats she'd once loved so much to this same college   
where he himself had taught archaeology for fifty years. She'd   
known immediately that something in him had changed. He had   
always carried with him a sense of serenity, but today it had   
seemed deeper than ever. A wave of calm that washed over her   
as the man who had always taken such good care of her walked   
in to her office for what would almost certainly be the last   
time.   
  
"I'm tired, Sakura-san," he had said. "And Nadeshiko-san is   
waiting for me."   
  
She had cried then. She'd been unable to keep herself from   
shaking as he held her and silently begged for her   
understanding.   
  
And she did understand. More and more as she lost her loved   
ones she understood what he must feel having the power, but   
not the will to extend his life into centuries. The   
overwhelming sense of weariness that flowed through those who   
watched virtually unchanging as the world went on turning and   
turning.   
  
But she'd be so lonely without him.   
  
She turned the key automatically, barely even aware that she'd   
reached home. It was a traditional and necessarily large   
Japanese home full of color and memory and the tools of her   
life's work. More importantly at this moment, however, was   
the fact that it was full of love. Full of friendship.   
Besides which, her slippers and her favorite chair were   
expecting her, and she didn't want to keep them waiting.   
  
She was almost glad that the house was somewhat chill when she   
walked into her personal study. It gave her an excuse to   
point authoritatively at the fireplace and watch the flames   
snap to attention. It was a little trick that Syaoran had   
taught her when they were both children. One that she'd   
improved upon a little. A nice gentle fire. Something   
cheerful to help her get over this gloom.   
  
Keroberus poked his nose through the door, then padded over   
and put his head solidly in her lap. She absently reached   
over to scratch his ears as he looked at her in concern. He   
waited, gave her time to volunteer her feelings, but when she   
continued to sit silently staring into the flames, he raised   
his head and spoke. "What is it, Sakura-chan?"   
  
Slowly, her eyes drifted away from the flames and down to meet   
his. She wanted to speak, but at first it was too much. Too   
much loss. Too much sudden loneliness. But there was   
sympathy in his golden eyes, and eventually the necessity of   
passing on the news was able to make its way to the surface.   
  
"Kero-chan," she said quietly. "Would you bring Yue here? I   
need to talk to both of you."   
  
He padded back two steps, made the deep subservient bow that   
he knew she'd never have required of him, and backed out of   
the room.   
  
She sat back a little further and sighed, Hard as this was   
going to be, she couldn't help feeling a rush of gratitude for   
her sun guardian. His cheerful and friendly nature helped her   
to keep her own outlook positive and warm, and supported her   
in times like these.   
  
He returned long moments later and pressed his head back into   
her lap purring loudly. Subtle, she thought, almost laughing   
as new tears began to gather in her eyes. When Yue walked in,   
his posture as straight and proud as ever, she had begun   
weeping again.   
  
As much as she hated burdening them with the extent of her   
pain, she couldn't seem to stop the shining tears that fell   
onto her shirt as her second guardian walked slowly to her   
side.   
  
"What is it, master?" he asked calmly. His composure was as   
thorough as ever, but more than a century of his company had   
taught her better than to believe him apathetic. He showed   
his love differently than her Kero-chan, but it was always   
just as strong. Always just as absolute. And as she met his   
eyes through the tears, the same gratitude for him made its   
presence felt in her heart. For a moment, though, it was   
accompanied by another sensation. An echo of longing. Of old   
pain that seemed somehow magnified by the loss she was already   
feeling. Seconds later she dismissed it in favor of the   
matter at hand.   
  
Pulling together her strength, she addressed them. "My father   
has asked for my help," she confided. "He wishes to put all   
of his business and personal concerns in the best order   
possible. There are a few loose ends to be dealt with   
before..."   
  
How tight her throat suddenly felt. How her voice wavered.   
She stopped for a moment to gather what she could of her   
composure. Keroberus closed his eyes in understanding, his   
purring resumed gently. Yue knelt and placed one hand quietly   
on her shoulder. She felt strength flowing into her and   
didn't know if it was a natural reaction to their show of   
support, or if they were truly sending power through their   
mystical connections to her. Whatever the cause, it gave her   
the courage to continue.   
  
"I think we all knew this day would eventually come. As   
strong as he is, his heart has never been focused on power or   
influence. More and more these last few years, we've seen   
glimpses of how tired he's become. I know that he wants to be   
with mother."   
  
Her hands clenched for a moment and she closed her eyes   
tightly. "I want to be selfish. I want to cry and complain   
and convince him that I need him."   
  
Yue's grip tightened a little. Friendship. That was what   
would get her through this. On the day that Yue had   
acknowledged her as his new master, she'd told him that she   
didn't want a servant. That she hoped instead that they could   
all be friends. And her friends would see her through even   
this.   
  
"I know some of what he must be feeling." She couldn't afford   
to think about Syaoran. Not now. There'd be time to relive   
that loss along with the others when this crisis was over.   
Time to feel it all and put it into the perspective that the   
years allowed her. Mountains of time. "He deserves my   
support. He needs me, and I won't let him down. I can't."   
  
She looked at both of them in turn and the calm was much   
easier to find this time. "I know that I can count on both of   
you. I just hope..." She smiled weakly. Ironically. "I   
just hope that I'm up to this."   
  
"Of course you are," said Yue. "You've always been up to   
whatever you needed to be."   
  
She sighed. "I've felt pretty helpless from time to time.   
Like when..."   
  
Almost without meaning to, she looked into Yue's eyes.   
Searching...   
  
The shadow was still there. The longing for something lost   
long ago. He remembered. Her greatest failure. The biggest   
regret of her life. They had both suffered so much from the   
loss of her older brother. For Sakura it had been more than   
just a great personal tragedy, it had been a painful reminder   
of her history of magical failures. She had learned much from   
those days, but at a truly high cost. And because she hadn't   
been strong enough back then, he had faded away. The one man   
whose power might easily have surpassed her own. The person   
who should be standing beside her facing the difficult tasks   
ahead. And Yue had lost much more...   
  
"But it's never felt like this," she said, breaking free of   
another painful reflection. "I know it's silly, but I feel so   
... abandoned. Like some lost child. At my age!"   
  
"You'll be fine, Sakura-chan. You're just in shock." said   
Keroberus resettling his enormous white wings. Such   
impractical things for inside buildings, she mused briefly,   
but they certainly were beautiful. Just the thing for her sun   
powered lion warrior. Her predecessor Clow Reed had certainly   
had a flare for the dramatic.   
  
And he too had lived for centuries and spent the end of his   
days setting his affairs in order. But oh, how much there had   
been to set in order. Events far in the future he'd had to   
foresee with amazing clairvoyance. Necessity driven, but   
still frightening and terrible to the people whose lives they   
had affected years and years after his death. But that was   
the price for creating such new magics. Magics that had   
become eternal just as his creations the guardians had become   
eternal. His own eventual mortality demanded that he prepare   
for the proper use of his creations.   
  
It was an awesome and terrible stewardship. One that weighed   
upon her more heavily every day of her life. But worst of all   
was the knowledge that whether in weeks or centuries, her own   
mortality would some day begin to make itself felt. And   
though she knew that the idea of greeting her own death was   
becoming more and more welcome with the passing of each new   
year, the prospect of arranging the details of finding her own   
successor was incredibly intimidating. Just thinking about it   
made her weary from scalp to toenails.   
  
Necessity.   
  
And so her own time of relief would have to wait, because on   
the day her brother had died, she'd made a deep and binding   
promise. A promise that before she gave in to mortality, she   
would be ready to re-settle the burden of her legacy and Clow's   
as painlessly as possible upon her heir. It would probably   
take centuries of work and worry, but she was more determined   
at this moment than she had ever been before. She'd miss her   
father, but she wouldn't follow him. Not until ...   
  
_Syaoran,_ she vowed. _Tomoyo-chan, Onii-chan. I won't fail.   
I won't let anyone else suffer what we suffered. No one will   
have to face the fear or the loss that took away our   
childhood. I won't allow it. I promise. I'll see you all   
again one day, but there are some things I have to do first._   
  
She smiled through her tears as a feeling of peace welled up   
inside her. They knew. They understood. And her confidence   
surged.   
  
Looking down at her guardians once more, she wondered how much   
they understood. Whether or not they knew what fire it was   
that would drive her work from now on. "Thank you both," she   
said. "Thank you for everything. I know I can count on you."   
  
It wouldn't be easy, but she wouldn't be alone. She would   
never be alone.   
  
And that made all the difference.   
  
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The End  
  
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I would like to send a huge thank you to my wonderfully insightful   
and encouraging pre-readers for this story, Krista Perry,   
Anand Rao, and Donny Cheng.  
  
Thanks for reading and please feel free to send any comments   
or questions you have about this story to misha@cybergal.com.  



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